Beth Speaks

•

whatever I do

whether my breast is radiated
the week after the tumor
creating a numbness in my hands and arms
so I can't carry groceries

the tumor reappears a year later
in the same area

or I get a triple stem cell
chemotherapy
in the last best hope of a cure
and then the tumor comes back
with even greater ferocity

the tumor comes back
at the site of the left breast
as if the breast
were still there

only I don't have a breast anymore
because between the radiation
and the stem cell
I also I had a mastectomy

so the tumor
goes crazy

invading my lungs
invading my bones
invading my liver
invading my kidneys

to make up for the breast
it has lost

wailing
screaming
whispering
rampaging

even when the mass appears in the lungs
it is in the area

of the CAT scan
closest to the left breast

what is it
with me

what food did I eat
what water did I drink
what air did I breathe
what thoughts did I think

was it me
or does it run in my family

my sister
my brother
my father
my mother

is it psychological
is it chemical
is it environmental
is it political

doesn't it know
I am too young to die
doesn't it know
I did everything right

doesn't it know
my name is
Elizabeth Harding

doesn't it know
I have
a husband and young son
who need me

my mother and father
and sisters and brothers
need me

the union at the hospital
needs me

the PTA at my son's school
needs me

the movement
for health care for all
needs me

why doesn't it go
suck the blood
of the military industrial complex

why can't it go
attack the immune system
of the health insurance companies

why can't the cancer god
accept my breast
as a sacrifice
and let it end there

does anyone
out there
know
I am asking

after all these years
why can't they find a cure
even as men land
on the moon

my lungs gasping
my bones rattling
my heart brooding
my markers skyrocketing

if it is going to happen
it better happen soon

cloud
in the shape
of a rhinoceros
rolling by my window

zofran for the nausea
morphine for the pain

doesn’t a cancer cell
have anything better to do

than divide
and conquer

morph into
a monster,
sucking my blood
and stealing my energy

I just don’t get it”